now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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