my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
