Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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