is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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