I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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