Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
