Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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