Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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