I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm passing your future prison.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
