Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
