I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
