accomplished twins. life is a go
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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