What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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