i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
