No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
