Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
People in love make me want to vomit
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
