i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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