he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
