So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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