ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
