My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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