I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have fence marks all over my body
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
