i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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