You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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