i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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