there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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