I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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