someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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