he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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