got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
