I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
