you will always have a special place in my vag
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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