If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
