there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
