apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
