toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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