Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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