I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
