So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
