i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
