I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
