i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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