Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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