I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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