I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
