mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
