Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
