I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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