Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
