Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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