In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
